Hi. It has been over a month since my last post, hasn't it? Wow. Time flies when you're suffering at the hands of a two feet long to-do list. I have so much ImPorTAnt stuff I need to do. Bank stuff (or at least just check my bank account, who knows what it looks like in there), dig my little book out of the car and start budgeting again, look for a place to live (somehow this still hasn't become a priority), start packing anything ANYTHING, take care of the car that doesn't work anymore that's just sitting in my driveway, take my working (not for long lol) car into the shop, laundry always laundry, eat food at some point, make a dentists appointment, figure out my financial aid mess, etc. The list goes on and quite frankly, I'm not a fan of it.
(me writing this blog post, refusing to accept that my life is crumbling around me)
Why am I like this you may wonder. I wonder too. For one thing, in order to get stuff done I have to do the unspeakable. Make. Several. Phonecalls. I don't know what it is, but I am terrified of phone calls. You put the cold hard (plastic? metal? what are phones made out of?) substance to your face and then a real live person answers. Nothing scares me more. Not to mention that I am very talented at embarrassing myself over the phone. Like that time I accidentally told my pastor, I love him at the end of the call. He was nice about it. But I decided to go ahead and set up funeral arrangements because that killed me.
(me making a call, waiting for them to pick up)
(they pick up. I go into shock)
(they ask me a question. I go into cardiac arrest)
Furthermore, (this has turned into an essay defending my behavior) everything stresses the jam out of me, man. Like budgeting. My gosh, I cannot budget for the life of me. My significant other? man? comrade? (boyfriend is just a term that makes me gag, honestly. I'll just call him golden boy. Much more normal). Golden boy has written out several budgets for me. He's good with money. I'm not. And when he asks me how I'm doing with my finances, if I've been spending too much money, I say:
The longer I let things go, the more terrifying they become. Like when you leave a mug on your desk and you keep saying "I'll get that later" and then later comes around and it looks crusty so you leave it longer, then longer comes around and it's growing a farm of truffula trees and you say "why oh why didn't I do this earlier?" That's probably my most said sentence. I say it in regards to pretty much everything but lately, I specifically say it because of my health. When I say I feel like a sun-dried tomato I mean it. I feel terrible. Because I haven't been eating well, I haven't been prioritizing my health, and I never drink water.
(when my sister tells me I need to eat better or eat at all)
I want to succeed in things that matter to me and better myself but even with such good intentions, I see myself fall short a lot. I suppose I should know by now that the road less traveled is a bumpy one.
I am in a cycle of failing at everything, then doing really well, then failing, then succeeding. Let's just call it growing pains. I think with a little thankfulness and some discipline, I'll get through this failing cycle.
However,
I will not make phone calls I don't care how thankful or disciplined I am. If Jesus himself calls, I'll have to send him a text after it goes to voicemail and ask him what he needs. I'm sure he'll understand.
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