I would say I definitely struggle with procrastination. Big word. Big problem. No excuses. It's simply in my nature to avoid things. Sometimes I can actually feel God rolling his eyes as He watches me create chaos by ignoring responsibility and hushing my conscience. However, my struggle with procrastination does not simply affect my to do list. It also takes form in avoiding emotions, indecision, and my personal favorite, not-doing-something-you've-wanted-to-do-or-even-dreamed-of-doing-because-it-might-be-out-of-the-ordinary-or-just-because-you-like-to-torture-yourself-so-you-put-it-off-for-10+ years.
Perhaps a better way to describe my IsSueS would be to say that it feels as though there is something tugging at me in the morning, or in the still night when I let my daily guard down a little bit. It's telling me to listen (like that little fairy in The Legend of Zelda video games who KEEPS YELLING "Hey!" "Hey!" "HEY!" I tried to shoot her with my bow, but she always got away). The something that is poking me, nudging me, calling me is ME. The unadulterated, unweathered by the world, me. She usually knows what's up, but on the surface life twists perceptions, it changes goals, it convinces and distracts and the you that you end up with is kind of a mess. At least that's how I view it. If I don't put a real effort to know myself, to establish my beliefs and let them identify me, to bravely embrace my likes and dislikes, and most of all to speak my story proudly, I don't really feel like me at all. Just another carbon-based life form operating like a machine. (If you are wondering, yes my thoughts really are constantly this deep. It's quite fun but also akin to torture). So, I'm trying to listen to that me more.
One step I took was blogging again. Another was leaving school and my job (was I going to get fired? maybe. We'll never know because I quit first. I maintained control of the situation.) I completed Bethany Hamilton's course for finding your purpose. I also found Michelle Obama's Becoming book at the bookstore one day. I took a good look at it, realized I would probably never read the whole thing let us be authentic here, so I bought the companion journal instead. I have loved filling this out. It is all about becoming YOU and accepting your life and your story. Finding the beauty in the life that you have or even accepting the darkness in it because both collide to create life. There are pages with quotes from her book and questions that you fill out like a journal prompt. My favorite quotes so far are,
"There's power in allowing yourself to be known and heard, in owning your unique story, in using your authentic voice. And there's grace in being willing to know and hear others. This, for me, is how we become."
"If there's one thing I've learned in life, it's the power of using your own voice."
"If you don't see that your story matters, chances are no one else will either. So even though it isn't always easy, it's important for you to find the strength to share your truth. Because the world needs to hear it."
Dear fluff-for-brains,
It is the best feeling to work towards something that is a passion. To start to see something you've wanted take form and leave your daydreams is incredible. You are struggling to accept a dream, a passion, or a project, you don't think you can do it, and you know people will say you're being foolish or that it isn't a "real job" etc. Do not listen. Nod and smile and let their own words dictate their own life. They are establishing THEIR limits when they speak about your dreams. Never take advice from someone who is not living a life you would want. And if you still need convincing, consider this: God gives every single person desires, passions, and talents. He designed you with a purpose and tools to achieve that purpose. Use them. You have always felt this sense of uselessness and as if you had no purpose because you never use your usefulness. You never put purpose to your dreams. It is not complex. There is something inside of you that already exists, a desire a dream or even just a hobby. Whatever it is, the more you use that something, and establish your unique identity and talents in your daily life, the more powerful, purposeful, and YOU you'll feel. In short, stop creating your own misery. And for goodness' sake, stop cutting your hair into bangs, it's just not working for you. Bye.
- future you
I feel FANTASTIC now that I've begun working on these things that matter to me. Like I can do anything. I'm someone who needs goals, who needs projects, and who needs to be working towards something and now I am and it. is. gorgeous.
(me after editing the borders on my planner insert)